Seeking party-planning advice for Project Ace

------ This first part's a little sad -------

Ten years ago this September I was a 3rd-year undergrad student at the University of Victoria with two part-time jobs, one at the Bottle Depot counting pop cans and crushing glass, the other pouring coffee at the Blenz on Broughton St. One Tuesday afternoon I was an hour into a closing shift at Blenz (4-11pm) when my sister's roommate Cara popped in. I remember bright sunshine, a strong, slightly stale coffee smell and Cara telling me I had to call home immediately. When I did I found out my dad had been killed earlier that day in a helicopter crash.

Years later, I still feel the loss of my dad. Most days the pain sits as a dull ache that goes unnoticed but on occasion and without notice flairs up to be as raw, crippling and mentally-unbearable as on that first day. I know that you never truly stop grieving; how I feel likely strikes a chord if you've ever lost someone close to you. Until recently, though, I didn't realize that I now tend to think of Dad only in terms of what I've lost in my life rather than what I gained: pleasant thoughts now tinged with sadness, like happy memories viewed through a blue-tinted lens. A real bummer. I'd like to change this perspective.

------ sad part over -----

So I'm thinking, what better way to kick-off an attitude adjustment than to do something that celebrates Dad's life rather than mourns his death. The "something" is where I need advice.

What I'd like to do is throw a party in my hometown of Comox, B.C. on or around Aug. 28th, my dad's birthday. A reunion of sorts where friends, family, anyone who knew Dad from his various hobbies and community work  – R/C modelling, local politics, the Air Force Museum – can informally get together and catch-up with each other.  I'd like to hold it outdoors, maybe rent the picnic pavilion at Kin Beach or Air Force Beach so we could host a big bbq and hang out on the beach for the afternoon/evening. I really have no idea how many people would attend, but I'd like to advertise it as a community event rather than keep it by invitation only. Also, this wouldn't be a memorial, no sombre speeches or plaque dedications...a fun event, not a funeral.

In my head I'm calling this "Project Ace" because Dad was a pilot and his nickname was, I kid you not, "Ace". Right now Project Ace is stuck in planning limbo because a) I have no sense whether this is a good idea and little experience planning community-level events, and b) I'm terrified that no one would attend. I could really use some feedback on the following points:

Interest: Would you attend a party such as the one described above? Would you expect there to be concrete activities like, I don't know, games or speeches (even though I don't want speeches, would people expect one?). Do I need to worry about getting people to mingle? I could plan activities, I'm just not sure which would be fun. Do you have any other ideas for celebratory events?

Planning:  Have you ever organized community-wide event where you didn't know who might attend? How did you start planning for that? What are the major items to consider? I think I'd like to sell food and drinks, but people could bring their own as well.

How do you celebrate the lives of your loved ones? I'm way out of my comfort zone with this project; any advice or shared stories are a great help and much appreciated!

 Ace and his little red helicopter

A few things I wish I'd known in grad school

Working in the science education realm is teaching me some of the basics of how learning works. Frankly, I'm quite frustrated that learning about learning isn't part of our standard education, but that's not my point today. Knowing what I know now, when I reflect back on my life during grad school, I realize that many of the challenges I faced were caused by my own latent beliefs about learning and intelligence and their subsequent detrimental impact on my self-esteem. At the time I believed – and these are unexpressed beliefs, mind you, I had never really given it any conscious thought – my intelligence was (mostly) fixed, i.e., I was born with a certain amount of smarts and talent. I believed that if I struggled to master a skill (e.g., DNA sequencing) that others (my labmate Dan) performed with ease then, well, that meant I just wasn't as smart in that area. I believed that other people (whose names started with "Dr.") had to approve of and praise my work for it to have value. I also believed that most of my peers were driven by some mysterious internal passion that I just couldn't find in myself. Essentially, for six years I lived in a near-constant state of low-level anxiety, silently comparing myself to others and never measuring up, fearing at any moment I would be exposed as an impostor and shown the door.

What a depressing perspective! I say "nuts to that" and I hope you do too. If any of the above nonsense resonates with you, then perhaps you'll find the following helpful. I sure did!

1) Your intelligence is not fixed, but can change and grow with effort.
Oh sure, you may think this seems obvious when stated, but look deep down and I'm willing to bet you believe that the talent/"smarts"/"natural ability"/etc. you're born with determines your intelligence more than the active effort you make to learn. Turns out, your view on intelligence can have major downstream consequences on your confidence, your motivation, even your behaviour. Carol Dweck is an expert in this area and I recommend this Scientific American article as an introduction to the topic. How did this new knowledge affect me? To quote one of my favourite video game reviews, "this s**t blew my god damn mind". I now think of myself (and you) as life-long learners, whose mistakes are necessary and valuable parts of the learning process.

2) The more stable and sustaining kind of self-esteem comes from within, not without.
I used to feel pressured to answer emails right away because I worried people would be irritated or think less of my work ethic if I didn't. Why such silly behaviour? Because in this, and in a thousand other ways, I craved approval from other people. In fact, my self-worth at any given time was largely dictated by my latest interaction with coworkers, friends, family etc. I still crave approval, I don't think that ever stops, but it influences my self-worth less since I consciously changed my belief about intelligence and since I began taking steps to improve my 'core' self-esteem – the conviction that you deserve to be valued by yourself and others regardless of your achievements. My biggest influence in terms of self-esteem has been the book "Revolution from Within" by Gloria Steinem. If any of what I wrote above resonates with you, I recommend checking out the book or just exploring the topic more, no matter how much the term "self-esteem" makes you want to roll your eyes. Heck, just paying attention throughout your day to why you do things can be illuminating.

In fact, that's a good note to end on: self-reflection. When it comes to learning, the ability to monitor your own progress and adjust your behaviour as needed, essentially to self-reflect, is a vital yet often underemphasized skill. Until recently, it never occurred to me to reflect on or question my beliefs about intelligence. Once I did, it became clear that not only were my beliefs just plain wrong, they were making it harder for me to learn and hurting my self-esteem. The minor adjustments I've made have had a huge positive influence thus far. So, what do you believe?