Working in the science education realm is teaching me some of the basics of how learning works. Frankly, I'm quite frustrated that learning about learning isn't part of our standard education, but that's not my point today. Knowing what I know now, when I reflect back on my life during grad school, I realize that many of the challenges I faced were caused by my own latent beliefs about learning and intelligence and their subsequent detrimental impact on my self-esteem. At the time I believed – and these are unexpressed beliefs, mind you, I had never really given it any conscious thought – my intelligence was (mostly) fixed, i.e., I was born with a certain amount of smarts and talent. I believed that if I struggled to master a skill (e.g., DNA sequencing) that others (my labmate Dan) performed with ease then, well, that meant I just wasn't as smart in that area. I believed that other people (whose names started with "Dr.") had to approve of and praise my work for it to have value. I also believed that most of my peers were driven by some mysterious internal passion that I just couldn't find in myself. Essentially, for six years I lived in a near-constant state of low-level anxiety, silently comparing myself to others and never measuring up, fearing at any moment I would be exposed as an impostor and shown the door.
What a depressing perspective! I say "nuts to that" and I hope you do too. If any of the above nonsense resonates with you, then perhaps you'll find the following helpful. I sure did!
1) Your intelligence is not fixed, but can change and grow with effort.
Oh sure, you may think this seems obvious when stated, but look deep down and I'm willing to bet you believe that the talent/"smarts"/"natural ability"/etc. you're born with determines your intelligence more than the active effort you make to learn. Turns out, your view on intelligence can have major downstream consequences on your confidence, your motivation, even your behaviour. Carol Dweck is an expert in this area and I recommend this Scientific American article as an introduction to the topic. How did this new knowledge affect me? To quote one of my favourite video game reviews, "this s**t blew my god damn mind". I now think of myself (and you) as life-long learners, whose mistakes are necessary and valuable parts of the learning process.
2) The more stable and sustaining kind of self-esteem comes from within, not without.
I used to feel pressured to answer emails right away because I worried people would be irritated or think less of my work ethic if I didn't. Why such silly behaviour? Because in this, and in a thousand other ways, I craved approval from other people. In fact, my self-worth at any given time was largely dictated by my latest interaction with coworkers, friends, family etc. I still crave approval, I don't think that ever stops, but it influences my self-worth less since I consciously changed my belief about intelligence and since I began taking steps to improve my 'core' self-esteem – the conviction that you deserve to be valued by yourself and others regardless of your achievements. My biggest influence in terms of self-esteem has been the book "Revolution from Within" by Gloria Steinem. If any of what I wrote above resonates with you, I recommend checking out the book or just exploring the topic more, no matter how much the term "self-esteem" makes you want to roll your eyes. Heck, just paying attention throughout your day to why you do things can be illuminating.
In fact, that's a good note to end on: self-reflection. When it comes to learning, the ability to monitor your own progress and adjust your behaviour as needed, essentially to self-reflect, is a vital yet often underemphasized skill. Until recently, it never occurred to me to reflect on or question my beliefs about intelligence. Once I did, it became clear that not only were my beliefs just plain wrong, they were making it harder for me to learn and hurting my self-esteem. The minor adjustments I've made have had a huge positive influence thus far. So, what do you believe?
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